[Verse]
If you'd have told me a year ago
That I'd be locked inside of my home (Ah, ah, ah)
I would have told you, a year ago:
"Interesting; now leave me alone"
Sorry that I look like a mess (Ah, ah, ah)
I booked a haircut, but it got rescheduled
Robert's been a little depressed, no
And so, today, I'm gonna try just

[Bridge]
Getting up, sitting down, going back to work
Might not help, but still, it couldn't hurt
I'm sitting down, writing jokes, singing silly songs
I'm sorry I was gone

[Chorus]
But look, I made you some content
Daddy made you your favorite, open wide
Here comes the content
It's a beautiful day to stay inside

[Intro: Bo Burnham]
Hey, kids
Today, we're gonna learn about the world

[Verse 1: Bo Burnham]
The world that's around us is pretty amazing
But how does it work? It must be comp-l-icated
The secret is: The world can only work
When everything works together
A bee drinks from a flower and leaves with its pollen
A squirrel in a tree spreads the seeds that have fallen
Everything works together

[Pre-Chorus: Bo Burnham]
The biggest elephant, the littlest fly
The gophers underground, the birds in the sky
And every single cricket, every fish in the sea
Gives what they can and gets what they need

[Chorus: Bo Burnham]
That is how the world works
That is how the world works
From "A" to "zebra" to the worms in the dirt
That's how it works

[Interlude 1: Bo Burnham & Socko]
Hey, everyone, look who stopped by to say hello! It's Socko!
Hey!
Where you been, Socko?
I've been where I always am when you're not wearing me on your hand: in a frightening, liminal space between states of being! Not quite dead, not quite alive! It's similar to a constant state of sleep paralysis
Socko, we were just talking about the world and how it works
Boy, that sounds complicated!
Do you have anything you'd want to teach us about the world?
I wouldn't say anything that you probably haven't already said yourself
I don't know about that, Socko. How about you give it a try?
All right!

[Verse 2: Socko]
The simple narrative taught in every history class
Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist
Don't you know? The world is built with blood!
And genocide! And exploitation!
The global network of capital essentially functions
To separate the worker from the means of production
And the FBI killed Martin Luther King

[Pre-Chorus: Socko]
Private property's inherently theft
And neoliberal fascists are destroying the left
And every politician, every cop on the street
Protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite

[Chorus: Socko, Bo Burnham & Both]
That is how the world works (Really?)
That is how the world works
Genocide the Natives, say you got to it first
That's how it works

[Interlude 2: Bo Burnham & Socko]
That's pretty intense
No shit!
What can I do to help?
Read a book or something, I don't know. Just don't burden me with the responsibility of educating you. It's incredibly exhausting!
I'm sorry, Socko. I was just trying to become a better person
Why do you rich fucking white people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization? This isn't about you! So either get with it or get out of the fucking way!
Watch your mouth, buddy. Remember who's on whose hand here
But that's what I've— Have you not been fucking listening? We are entrenched in—
Alright! Alright! I... Wait, wait, wait! No, please! I don't wanna go back, please! I can't go— I can't go back! Please! Please. I'm sorry
Are you gonna behave yourself?
Yes
"Yes," what?
Yes, sir
Look at me
Yes, sir
That's better

[Chorus: Bo Burnham, Socko & Both]
That is how the world works
That is how the world works
I hope you learned your lesson! (I did, and it hurt!)
That's how it works

[Outro: Socko]
No!

[Verse 1]
An open window
A novel
A couple holding hands
An avocado
A poem written in the sand
Fresh fallen snow on the ground
A golden retriever in a flower crown

[Pre-Chorus]
Is this Heaven?
Or is it just a

[Chorus]
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram (Instagram)
White woman (White woman)
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram

[Verse 2]
Latte foam art
Tiny pumpkins
Fuzzy, comfy socks
Coffee table made out of driftwood
A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
A needlepoint of a fox
Some random quote from Lord of the Rings
Incorrectly attributed to Martin Luther King

[Pre-Chorus]
Is this Heaven?
Or am I looking at a

[Chorus]
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram (Instagram)
White woman (White woman)
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram

[Bridge]
Her favorite photo of her mom
The caption says:
"I can't believe it
It's been a decade since you've been gone
Mama, I miss you
I miss sitting with you in the front yard
Still figuring out how to keep living without you
It's got a little better, but it's still hard
Mama, I got a job I love and my own apartment
Mama, I got a boyfriend, and I'm crazy about him
Your little girl didn't do too bad
Mama, I love you, give a hug and kiss to Dad"

[Verse 3]
A goat-cheese salad (Goat-cheese salad)
A backlit hammock (Backlit hammock)
A simple glass of wine
Incredibly derivative political street art
A dreamcatcher bought from Urban Outfitters
A vintage neon sign
Three little words, a couple of doves
And a ring on her finger from the person that she loves

[Pre-Chorus]
Is this Heaven?
Or is it just a

[Chorus]
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman (White woman)
A white woman's Instagram (Instagram)
White woman (White woman)
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram

[Verse 1]
Who needs a coffee? 'Cause I'm doing a run
I'm writing down the orders now for everyone
The coffee is free, just like me
I'm an unpaid intern

[Verse 2]
Sorting papers, running around (Runnin' around)
Sitting in the meeting room, not making a sound (Not a sound)
Barely people, somehow legal
Unpaid intern

[Verse 3]
You work all day, go back to your dorm
And since you can't afford a mortgage, you just torrent a porn
'Cause you're an intern (Unpaid)

[Outro]
Wa-da-da-wap-wa-da

[Verse 1]
I grew up as your usual suburbanite
A tiny town in Massachusetts, overwhelmingly white (White— White— White)
I went to church on Sundays in a suit and a tie (In a suit and a tie)
Then spent my free time watching Family Guy
I started doing comedy when I was just a sheltered kid
I wrote offensive shit, and I said it
Father, please forgive me, for I did not realize what I did
Or that I'd live to regret it

[Pre-Chorus]
Times are changing, and I'm getting old
Are you gonna hold me accountable?
My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold
Isn't anybody gonna hold me accountable? Ugh!

[Chorus]
I'm problematic
(He's a problem)
When I was 17, on Halloween, I dressed up as Aladdin
(He's a problem)
I did not darken my skin, but, still, it feels weird in hindsight

[Verse 2]
I want to show you how I'm growing as a person, but first
I feel I must address the lyrics from the previous verse
I tried to hide behind my childhood, and that's not okay
My actions are my own; I won't explain them away
I've done a lot of self-reflecting since I started singing this song
I was totally wrong when I said it
Father, please forgive me, for I did not realize what I did
Or that I'd live to regret it

[Pre-Chorus]
Times are changing, and I'm getting old
Are you gonna hold me accountable?
My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold
Isn't anybody gonna hold me accountable? Ugh!

[Chorus]
I'm problematic
(He's a problem)
I just remembered that Aladdin costume's in my mother's attic
(He's a problem)
I'm gonna go home and burn it
Or not burn it. Is burning it bad? What should I do with it?

[Bridge]
And I've been totally awful
My closet is chock-full of stuff that is vaguely shitty
All of it was perfectly lawful
Just not very thoughtful at all and just really shitty
And I've been totally awful
My closet is chock-full of stuff that is vaguely shitty
All of it was perfectly lawful
Just not very thoughtful at all and just really—

[Outro]
And I'm really fucking sorry
(Bitch, I'm trying to listen; shit, I’ve been complicit)
Sorry
(If I'm gonna catch up, first, I gotta fess up)
Sorry
Sorry

[Verse 1]
Welcome to the internet! Have a look around
Anything that brain of yours can think of can be found
We've got mountains of content, some better, some worse
If none of it's of interest to you, you'd be the first

[Verse 2]
Welcome to the internet! Come and take a seat
Would you like to see the news or any famous women's feet?
There's no need to panic; this isn't a test, haha
Just nod or shake your head, and we'll do the rest

[Verse 3]
Welcome to thе internet! What would you prefеr?
Would you like to fight for civil rights or tweet a racial slur?
Be happy! Be horny! Be bursting with rage!
We've got a million different ways to engage

[Verse 4]
Welcome to the internet! Put your cares aside
Here's a tip for straining pasta; here's a nine-year-old who died
We've got movies and doctors and fantasy sports
And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings of all the different characters in Harry Potter fucking each other

[Verse 5]
Welcome to the internet! Hold on to your socks
'Cause a random guy just kindly sent you photos of his cock
They are grainy and off-putting; he just sent you more
Don't act surprised, you know you like it, you whore

[Verse 6]
See a man beheaded, get offended, see a shrink
Show us pictures of your children, tell us every thought you think
Start a rumor, buy a broom, or send a death threat to a boomer
Or DM a girl and groom her, do a Zoom or find a tumor in your—
Here's a healthy breakfast option, you should kill your mom
Here's why women never fuck you; here's how you can build a bomb
Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz
Obama sent the immigrants to vaccinate your kids

[Chorus]
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time?
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything, all of the time
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time?
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything, all of the time

[Interlude]
You know, it wasn't always like this

[Bridge]
Not very long ago, just before your time
Right before the towers fell, circa '99
This was catalogs, travel blogs, a chatroom or two
We set our sights and spent our nights waiting
For you!
You, insatiable you
Mommy let you use her iPad; you were barely two
And it did all the things we designed it to do
Now, look at you! Oh, ha, look at you!
You, you! Unstoppable, watchable
Your time is now; your inside's out; honey, how you grew
And if we stick together, who knows what we'll do?
It was always the plan to put the world in your hand

[Break]
(*Laughs*)

[Chorus]
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A bit of everything all of the time?
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything, all of the time
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time?
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything and anything and everything
And anything and everything and
All of the time

[Verse 1]
So long, goodbye
I'll see you when I see you
You can pick the street
I'll meet you on the other side
So long, goodbye
Do I really have to finish?
Do returns always diminish?
Did I say that right?
Does anybody want to joke
When no one's laughing in the background?

[Chorus]
So this is how it ends?
I promise to never go outside again

[Verse 2]
So long, bye
I'm slowly losing power
Has it only been an hour?
No, that can't be right
So long, goodbye
Hey, here's a fun idea
How about I sit on the couch
And I watch you next time?
I wanna hear you tell a joke
When no onе's laughing in the background

[Chorus]
So this is how it ends?
I promise to nеver go outside again

[Bridge]
Am I going crazy?
Would I even know?
Am I right back where I started fourteen years ago?
Wanna guess the ending?
If it ever does
I swear to God that all I've ever wanted was
A little bit of everything all of the time
A bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
I'm finished playin', and I'm stayin' inside

[Verse 3]
If I wake up in a house that's full of smoke
I'll panic, so call me up and tell me a joke
When I'm fully irrelevant and totally broken, damn it
Call me up and tell me a joke
Oh, shit
You're really joking at a time like this?

[Outro]
Well, well, look who's inside again
Went out to look for a reason to hide again
Well, well, buddy, you found it
Now come out with your hands up
We've got you surrounded

[Chorus]
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seats
All eyes on me, all eyes on me
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seats
All eyes on me, all eyes on me

[Verse 1]
Are you feeling nervous? Are you having fun?
It's almost over, it's just begun
Don't overthink this, look in my eye
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Come on in, the water's fine

[Pre-Chorus]
We're goin' to go where everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody, oh
We're goin' to go where everybody knows
Everybody knows

[Chorus]
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me, all eyes on me
Ayy, come on, get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me, all eyes on me, yeah, come on
Heads down, pray for me
Heads down now, pray for me
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me, all eyes on me

[Interlude]
You wanna hear a funny story?
So, uh, five years ago, I quit performing live comedy
Because I was beginning to have, uh, severe panic attacks while on stage
Which is not a great place to have them
So I, I quit, and I didn't perform for five years
And I spent that time trying to improve myself mentally
And you know what? I did! I got better
I got so much better, in fact, that in January of 2020
I thought, "You know what? I should start performing again
I've been hiding from the world and I need to re-enter"
And then, the funniest thing happened

[Verse 2]
Are you feeling nervous? Are you having fun?
It's almost over, it's just begun
Don't overthink this, look in my eye
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Come on in, the water's fine

[Verse 3]
You say the ocean's rising like I give a shit
You say the whole world's ending, honey, it already did
You're not gonna slow it, Heaven knows you tried
Got it? Good, now get inside

[Pre-Chorus]
We're goin' to go where everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
We're goin' to go where everybody knows
Everybody knows

[Chorus]
Come on, get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me, all eyes on me
Hey, come on, get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seats
All eyes on me, all eyes on me, yeah
Heads down, pray for me
Heads down now, pray for me
I said get your fuckin' hands up
Get up, get up
I'm talkin' to you, get the fuck up

[Chorus]
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me, all eyes on me
Ayy, fuckin' get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me, all eyes on me, yeah
Come on, heads down, pray for me
Heads down now, pray for me
I said get your fuckin' hands up
Get on—
All eyes on me, all eyes on me

[Verse 1: Bo Burnham]
The world is changing
The planet's heating up
What the fuck is going on? (Recorded laughter)
Rearranging
It's like everything happened all at once
Um, what the fuck is going on? (Recorded laughter)
The people rising in the streets
The war, the drought
The more I look, the more I see nothing to joke about
Is comedy over?
Should I leave you alone?
'Cause, really, who's gonna go for joking at a time like this?
Should I be joking at a time like this?

[Pre-Chorus: Bo Burnham]
I wanna help to leave this world better than I found it
And I fear that comedy won't help, and the fear is not unfounded
Should I stop trying to be funny?
Should I give away my money? No
What do I do?

[Chorus: Bo Burnham & Ethereal Voice]
Healing the world with comedy
The indescribable power of your comedy
The world needs direction
From a white guy like me (Bingo)
Who is healing the world with comedy
That's it

[Interlude: Bo Burnham]
The world is so fucked up. Systematic oppression, income inequality, the other stuff...
And there's only one thing that I can do about it. While— While being paid and being the center of attention

[Chorus: Bo Burnham]
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference, metaphorically
A Jew walks into a bar, and I've saved him a seat
That's healing the world with comedy

[Verse 2: Bo Burnham]
I'm a special kind of white guy
I self-reflected, and I want to be an agent of change
So I am gonna use my privilege for the good
(Very cool, way to go!)
American white guys
We've had the floor for at least four-hundred years
So maybe I should just shut the fuck up

[Refrain]
I'm bored

[Verse 3]
I don't wanna do that
There's got to be another way (Yes)
For me to help out without standing on the sidelines (Never!)
The wait is over
I'm white, and I'm here to save the day
Lord, help me channel Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side (Sandra Bullock!)
[Chorus: Bo Burnham]
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference, metaphorically
And yes, most likely, they'll pay me, but I'd do it for free
I am healing the world with comedy

[Bridge: Bo Burnham]
If you wake up in a house that's full of smoke
Don't panic
Call me and I'll tell you a joke
If you see white men dressed in white cloaks
Don't panic—call me and I'll tell you a joke
Oh, shit
Should I be joking at a time like this?
If you start to smell burning toast
You're having a stroke
Or overcooking your toast
If you wake up in a house that's full of smoke
Don't panic—call me and I'll tell you a joke
If you see white men dressed in white cloaks
Don't panic—call me and I'll tell you a joke
Oh, shit
Should I be joking at a time like this?
Somebody help me out 'cause I don't know

[Pre-Chorus: Bo Burnham]
And I want to help to leave this world better than I found it
And I fear that comedy won't help, and the fear is not unfounded
Should I stop trying to be funny?
Should I give away my money? No!
I know what I gotta do

[Chorus: Bo Burnham]
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference, metaphorically
I swore I'd never be back, and now, I'm back on my feet
And I'm healing the world with comedy