[Verse 1]
I grew up as your usual suburbanite
A tiny town in Massachusetts, overwhelmingly white (White— White— White)
I went to church on Sundays in a suit and a tie (In a suit and a tie)
Then spent my free time watching Family Guy
I started doing comedy when I was just a sheltered kid
I wrote offensive shit, and I said it
Father, please forgive me, for I did not realize what I did
Or that I'd live to regret it

[Pre-Chorus]
Times are changing, and I'm getting old
Are you gonna hold me accountable?
My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold
Isn't anybody gonna hold me accountable? Ugh!

[Chorus]
I'm problematic
(He's a problem)
When I was 17, on Halloween, I dressed up as Aladdin
(He's a problem)
I did not darken my skin, but, still, it feels weird in hindsight

[Verse 2]
I want to show you how I'm growing as a person, but first
I feel I must address the lyrics from the previous verse
I tried to hide behind my childhood, and that's not okay
My actions are my own; I won't explain them away
I've done a lot of self-reflecting since I started singing this song
I was totally wrong when I said it
Father, please forgive me, for I did not realize what I did
Or that I'd live to regret it

[Pre-Chorus]
Times are changing, and I'm getting old
Are you gonna hold me accountable?
My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold
Isn't anybody gonna hold me accountable? Ugh!

[Chorus]
I'm problematic
(He's a problem)
I just remembered that Aladdin costume's in my mother's attic
(He's a problem)
I'm gonna go home and burn it
Or not burn it. Is burning it bad? What should I do with it?

[Bridge]
And I've been totally awful
My closet is chock-full of stuff that is vaguely shitty
All of it was perfectly lawful
Just not very thoughtful at all and just really shitty
And I've been totally awful
My closet is chock-full of stuff that is vaguely shitty
All of it was perfectly lawful
Just not very thoughtful at all and just really—

[Outro]
And I'm really fucking sorry
(Bitch, I'm trying to listen; shit, I’ve been complicit)
Sorry
(If I'm gonna catch up, first, I gotta fess up)
Sorry
Sorry

[Verse 1]
Trying to be funny and stuck in a room
There isn't much more to say about it
Can one be funny when stuck in a room?
Being in, trying to get something out of it

[Refrain]
Try making faces
Try telling jokes, making little sounds, ooh

[Verse 2]
I was a kid who was stuck in his room
There isn't much more to say about it
When you're a kid and you're stuck in your room
You'll do any old shit to get out of it

[Refrain]
Try making faces
Try telling jokes, making little sounds

[Chorus]
Well, well
Look who's inside again
Went out to look for a reason to hide again
Well, well
Buddy, you found it
Now, come out with your hands up
We've got you surrounded

[Chorus]
Sexting (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, oh)
It isn't sex, it's the next best thing
Sexting
Ayy, ayy, AT&T

[Verse 1]
I am in bed; I am ready to go with you
Tonight, I'm thinking of taking it slow: We'll use—
Emojis only; we don't need phonetical diction
We'll talk dirty like we're ancient Egyptians
You send me a peach (Ooh), I send a carrot back (Ahh)
You send a Ferris wheel; that's pretty abstract
I send back a ticket stub, implying that the Ferris wheel's your body and I'd really love admission to it (Ahh)
Oh, no! What if, now, you think that I'm implying your vagina is as big as a Ferris wheel? (Damn)
You send back a snowman
Crisis averted (Thank God)

[Chorus]
Sexting (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, oh)
It isn't sex; it's the next best thing (Next best thing)
Sexting
Ayy, ayy, AT&T

[Verse 2]
No more emojis; now, it's on to words
I ask what you're wearing; you reply, "A shirt"
You say, "Are you naked?" I say, "Yeah, except for a top hat"
You say, "lmao," but I doubt that
I'm getting hot at just the thought of what I'd do to you
'Cause in my head, I'm in your bed and getting through to you
They made the internet for nights like these (Nights like these)
I love you, baby; send a picture of your tits, please

[Chorus]
Sexting (Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, oh)
It isn't sex; it's the next best thing (Next best thing)
Sexting
Ayy, ayy (We are sexting) AT&T

[Verse 3]
You send the pic and say it's now my turn
Jesus fucking Christ, I guess I never learn
My phone's flash is my only light, and
The flash makes my dick look frightened
I chicken out and send a picture of my face instead
Because my dick looks like the baby from Eraserhead
You say, "I sent my titties, that's not fair" (That's not fair)
So I send it to you, and then my phone dies

[Outro]
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone
One hand on my dick and one hand on my phone, yeah
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone
One hand on my dick and one hand on my phone, yeah
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone
One hand on my dick and one hand on my phone, yeah
(Pussy) Another night on my own, yeah
(Titties) Stuck in my home, yeah
(Balls) Sitting alone
One hand on my dick and one hand on my phone, yeah

[Chorus x2]
CEO, entrepreneur
Born in 1964
Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bezos
CEO, entrepreneur
Born in 1964
Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bezos

[Verse]
Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it
Pave the way, put your back into it
Tell us why, show us how
Look at where you came from, look at you now
Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffett
Amateurs can fuckin' suck it
Fuck their wives, drink their blood
Come on, Jeff, get 'em!

[Outro]
Ahh

[Verse 1]
Who needs a coffee? 'Cause I'm doing a run
I'm writing down the orders now for everyone
The coffee is free, just like me
I'm an unpaid intern

[Verse 2]
Sorting papers, running around (Runnin' around)
Sitting in the meeting room, not making a sound (Not a sound)
Barely people, somehow legal
Unpaid intern

[Verse 3]
You work all day, go back to your dorm
And since you can't afford a mortgage, you just torrent a porn
'Cause you're an intern (Unpaid)

[Outro]
Wa-da-da-wap-wa-da

[Verse 1]
An open window
A novel
A couple holding hands
An avocado
A poem written in the sand
Fresh fallen snow on the ground
A golden retriever in a flower crown

[Pre-Chorus]
Is this Heaven?
Or is it just a

[Chorus]
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram (Instagram)
White woman (White woman)
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram

[Verse 2]
Latte foam art
Tiny pumpkins
Fuzzy, comfy socks
Coffee table made out of driftwood
A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
A needlepoint of a fox
Some random quote from Lord of the Rings
Incorrectly attributed to Martin Luther King

[Pre-Chorus]
Is this Heaven?
Or am I looking at a

[Chorus]
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram (Instagram)
White woman (White woman)
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram

[Bridge]
Her favorite photo of her mom
The caption says:
"I can't believe it
It's been a decade since you've been gone
Mama, I miss you
I miss sitting with you in the front yard
Still figuring out how to keep living without you
It's got a little better, but it's still hard
Mama, I got a job I love and my own apartment
Mama, I got a boyfriend, and I'm crazy about him
Your little girl didn't do too bad
Mama, I love you, give a hug and kiss to Dad"

[Verse 3]
A goat-cheese salad (Goat-cheese salad)
A backlit hammock (Backlit hammock)
A simple glass of wine
Incredibly derivative political street art
A dreamcatcher bought from Urban Outfitters
A vintage neon sign
Three little words, a couple of doves
And a ring on her finger from the person that she loves

[Pre-Chorus]
Is this Heaven?
Or is it just a

[Chorus]
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman (White woman)
A white woman's Instagram (Instagram)
White woman (White woman)
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram

[Intro: Bo Burnham]
Hey, kids
Today, we're gonna learn about the world

[Verse 1: Bo Burnham]
The world that's around us is pretty amazing
But how does it work? It must be comp-l-icated
The secret is: The world can only work
When everything works together
A bee drinks from a flower and leaves with its pollen
A squirrel in a tree spreads the seeds that have fallen
Everything works together

[Pre-Chorus: Bo Burnham]
The biggest elephant, the littlest fly
The gophers underground, the birds in the sky
And every single cricket, every fish in the sea
Gives what they can and gets what they need

[Chorus: Bo Burnham]
That is how the world works
That is how the world works
From "A" to "zebra" to the worms in the dirt
That's how it works

[Interlude 1: Bo Burnham & Socko]
Hey, everyone, look who stopped by to say hello! It's Socko!
Hey!
Where you been, Socko?
I've been where I always am when you're not wearing me on your hand: in a frightening, liminal space between states of being! Not quite dead, not quite alive! It's similar to a constant state of sleep paralysis
Socko, we were just talking about the world and how it works
Boy, that sounds complicated!
Do you have anything you'd want to teach us about the world?
I wouldn't say anything that you probably haven't already said yourself
I don't know about that, Socko. How about you give it a try?
All right!

[Verse 2: Socko]
The simple narrative taught in every history class
Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist
Don't you know? The world is built with blood!
And genocide! And exploitation!
The global network of capital essentially functions
To separate the worker from the means of production
And the FBI killed Martin Luther King

[Pre-Chorus: Socko]
Private property's inherently theft
And neoliberal fascists are destroying the left
And every politician, every cop on the street
Protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite

[Chorus: Socko, Bo Burnham & Both]
That is how the world works (Really?)
That is how the world works
Genocide the Natives, say you got to it first
That's how it works

[Interlude 2: Bo Burnham & Socko]
That's pretty intense
No shit!
What can I do to help?
Read a book or something, I don't know. Just don't burden me with the responsibility of educating you. It's incredibly exhausting!
I'm sorry, Socko. I was just trying to become a better person
Why do you rich fucking white people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization? This isn't about you! So either get with it or get out of the fucking way!
Watch your mouth, buddy. Remember who's on whose hand here
But that's what I've— Have you not been fucking listening? We are entrenched in—
Alright! Alright! I... Wait, wait, wait! No, please! I don't wanna go back, please! I can't go— I can't go back! Please! Please. I'm sorry
Are you gonna behave yourself?
Yes
"Yes," what?
Yes, sir
Look at me
Yes, sir
That's better

[Chorus: Bo Burnham, Socko & Both]
That is how the world works
That is how the world works
I hope you learned your lesson! (I did, and it hurt!)
That's how it works

[Outro: Socko]
No!

[Chorus]
Pour me a drink and clear my schedule
I'ma FaceTime with my mom tonight (Night, night, night, night)
These 40 minutes are essential
I'ma FaceTime with my mom tonight (Night, night, night, night)

[Verse 1]
I call, she answers, and her hair is wet (Hair is wet)
I say, "Did you just shower?"
She says, "How'd you guess?"
I say, "Your hair is wet"; she says, "Oh, yeah"

[Chorus]
I tell my boys I need some space, yeah
I'ma FaceTime with my mom tonight
She'll hold her iPhone 5 no further than six inches from her face, yeah
I'ma FaceTime with my mom tonight (Tonight)

[Verse 2]
She says, "Oh, look who's here. Say hi to Dad!"
(Da— Da— Da— Hi to Dad— Hi to Dad)
He says, "How ya doing, bud?"
I say, "I'm not so bad"
And that's the deepest talk we've ever had

[Chorus]
Watching as she looks for her glasses
I'ma FaceTime with my mom tonight
She'll tell me all about the Season Six finale of The Blacklist
I'ma FaceTime with my mom tonight (Night, night, night, night)

[Coda]
My mother's covering her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom

[Verse 1: Bo Burnham]
The world is changing
The planet's heating up
What the fuck is going on? (Recorded laughter)
Rearranging
It's like everything happened all at once
Um, what the fuck is going on? (Recorded laughter)
The people rising in the streets
The war, the drought
The more I look, the more I see nothing to joke about
Is comedy over?
Should I leave you alone?
'Cause, really, who's gonna go for joking at a time like this?
Should I be joking at a time like this?

[Pre-Chorus: Bo Burnham]
I wanna help to leave this world better than I found it
And I fear that comedy won't help, and the fear is not unfounded
Should I stop trying to be funny?
Should I give away my money? No
What do I do?

[Chorus: Bo Burnham & Ethereal Voice]
Healing the world with comedy
The indescribable power of your comedy
The world needs direction
From a white guy like me (Bingo)
Who is healing the world with comedy
That's it

[Interlude: Bo Burnham]
The world is so fucked up. Systematic oppression, income inequality, the other stuff...
And there's only one thing that I can do about it. While— While being paid and being the center of attention

[Chorus: Bo Burnham]
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference, metaphorically
A Jew walks into a bar, and I've saved him a seat
That's healing the world with comedy

[Verse 2: Bo Burnham]
I'm a special kind of white guy
I self-reflected, and I want to be an agent of change
So I am gonna use my privilege for the good
(Very cool, way to go!)
American white guys
We've had the floor for at least four-hundred years
So maybe I should just shut the fuck up

[Refrain]
I'm bored

[Verse 3]
I don't wanna do that
There's got to be another way (Yes)
For me to help out without standing on the sidelines (Never!)
The wait is over
I'm white, and I'm here to save the day
Lord, help me channel Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side (Sandra Bullock!)
[Chorus: Bo Burnham]
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference, metaphorically
And yes, most likely, they'll pay me, but I'd do it for free
I am healing the world with comedy

[Bridge: Bo Burnham]
If you wake up in a house that's full of smoke
Don't panic
Call me and I'll tell you a joke
If you see white men dressed in white cloaks
Don't panic—call me and I'll tell you a joke
Oh, shit
Should I be joking at a time like this?
If you start to smell burning toast
You're having a stroke
Or overcooking your toast
If you wake up in a house that's full of smoke
Don't panic—call me and I'll tell you a joke
If you see white men dressed in white cloaks
Don't panic—call me and I'll tell you a joke
Oh, shit
Should I be joking at a time like this?
Somebody help me out 'cause I don't know

[Pre-Chorus: Bo Burnham]
And I want to help to leave this world better than I found it
And I fear that comedy won't help, and the fear is not unfounded
Should I stop trying to be funny?
Should I give away my money? No!
I know what I gotta do

[Chorus: Bo Burnham]
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference, metaphorically
I swore I'd never be back, and now, I'm back on my feet
And I'm healing the world with comedy

[Verse]
If you'd have told me a year ago
That I'd be locked inside of my home (Ah, ah, ah)
I would have told you, a year ago:
"Interesting; now leave me alone"
Sorry that I look like a mess (Ah, ah, ah)
I booked a haircut, but it got rescheduled
Robert's been a little depressed, no
And so, today, I'm gonna try just

[Bridge]
Getting up, sitting down, going back to work
Might not help, but still, it couldn't hurt
I'm sitting down, writing jokes, singing silly songs
I'm sorry I was gone

[Chorus]
But look, I made you some content
Daddy made you your favorite, open wide
Here comes the content
It's a beautiful day to stay inside